Tomorrow, I resolve to update you on the goings on for the past could of months.

Not a lot has changed on the outside, but on the inside I do feel really different.

More to come tomorrow. For now, I am ready for bed.

I've actually made an effort to update more about my life recently. If you're interested in reading, I've put some stuff up on my Wordpress here.

I'm not ready to let go of my LJ though. I'm horribly nostalgic, I know.

It's been awhile, hasn't it LJ? To be fair, it's been awhile for my hockey blog as well and that used to have so much of my love and attention. Now, it's all about the live-blogs on there which is more fun than it should be. If only because it helps make the Senators games so much more entertaining.

The truth is, there's been a lot going on in my life, not just work. That part of my life is still taking up most of my life but now that I've been working for over a full year now I've managed to figure out how to balance my life a little bit. I've started playing keys for the worship band at church and it's been really fulfilling, even if I do feel like I'm nowhere as good as I should be.

Asides from getting sick a couple of weeks ago (and sadly, missing the Starfield concert), I've been dealing with a cyst on my chest. It got infected and hurt like heck for a long time but now that the infection's gone hopefully they can operate to remove it. The surgeon put me on anti-biotics in hopes that they won't have to operate but it's still there so we'll see what happens a week from now.

Tomorrow, I am going to Rouge with some co-workers. Be, being the homebody that I am, is actually dreading it a little. I'm a homebody and I'm not much of a party-er. When I first heard about it I was excited but then recently the idea of staying out all night dresse to the nines is exhausting to me. However, now that it is soon approaching I figure the time for me to do this is now, while I'm still young. There will be over 800 people there and I rarely have the opportunity to meet new people so it may be a good time for me to break out of my shell. But my shell is so comfy! At the very least, if things get too tiring or out of hand, I always have the option to leave. I'll be staying over at my co-worker CJ's place for the night but it may not come to that if I decide to leave early.

I don't know why I've always had the energy of a 70-year-old. I do have an adventurous streak and I want to see and experience things but maybe I'm just also very lazy. Hah.

Had my verbal review today with my new bosses. We've always maintained pretty open communication and they know where I'm coming from. I have higher aspirations beyond where I am now and they see that, I know they do but maybe it's just all of this anxiety and impatience I'm just waiting for everything to happen right away. But the good things in life are worth waiting for, right?

Winter is in the air although some of us are still in denial. The house is absolutely freezing cold and I can feel the chill right down to my bones. I wrap myself in multiple blankets and layers to keep warm. Every warming, I refuse to leave the comforts of my blankets and make the mad dash to the bathroom. Changing out of my PJs into my clothes makes me cringe, just thinking of the goosebumps I'll incur during the process.

But still, I love being able to break out my coats and throwing them on. Snow is coming soon. It's in the air.

I can't believe how long it has been since my last update. I'm pretty certain I would have been in shorts and sandals when that was posted. How much has changed in the last little while, and most of it has stayed the same.

I think I may have become a workaholic. Not so much that I'm at the office all the time (although with the season starting, that will soon become a reality), but when I'm not in the office, I don't feel like going out and being social. There just isn't enough time, enough energy or enough motivation to do anything. I'm selfish like that; I just want me time so I can stay at home and veg. And I feel guilty about it. Maybe it's self-centered of me to think that people are actually missing my company but perhaps I will allow myself to think that is the case. If I keep saying 'no', people will stop asking and I don't like the thought of that either.

See? There are still so many things I have to figure out from life.

Clearly, I am just thinking too long and hard about too many things. But if I don't give my brain a good work out, it shall grow cobwebs and soon become just a figurehead in my existence. I need to stimulate it with made-up problems and conundrums. It's so much better than exercising it by solving math equations and making it try to explain scientific anomalies...isn't it?

I'm sure one could provide some intelligent social commentary about pet cafes but right now all my brain can process is: BUNNIES!

The Marlies have a new head coach and my boss lady said that he'd be in town for a couple of days and we should go to the Brazen Head to just have a pint with him to welcome him to the team. It was certainly in exercise in awkwardness as he's a bit of a quiet guy and I am as well. Tried to make some conversation and be as bubbly as I can, aided by the pint. No big deal, he seems like a great guy and I'm looking forward to the season starting.

Other than that, there hasn't been much going on asides from work. As you can probably guess, I'm rather bored of my job and I feel so...unaccomplished. Mind you, I love my job and I love the organization. But then again, I feel like I'm squandering my potential a wee bit. Maybe I'm just overestimating my potential? We shall see.

Will be a full day today as it's Jeff's birthday and we'll be spending the day at Playdium, then at Mandarin, then at HP's place. Hourray for me being somewhat social.

Because of Laenne's recent trip down LJ memory lane, I sort of felt inspired to go back and read some of my old entries. Different situation, same ol' melodrama, heh. But it was certainly interesting. I used to actually post a lot of my writing a lot more, so in that spirit, here is another bad poem for you:

A speck of dust,
in a gathered heap
Sitting in the corner
of an unloved windowsill.
A face in the crowd
A colour
blending in with the elements.
A swatch of cloth
Lost in a quilt.

And you,
bright, lustrous. A shining star.
Can't help but be adored,
by those who know you.
Just waiting to be found,
and the rest of the universe
to catch up.

I could conquer the ocean,
If it was the only reason
For this
gap.
Some obstacles
are more easily mended.

Keep on shining,
And if you don't object
I shall take a piece
to keep.
When the wind comes through
and picks up this speck
And takes it where
it should land next.

It's hard to reconcile some of my contradictory qualities sometimes. I rule by logic, but I still believe in my daydreams. I'm cynical about life on the whole, setting the bar low and preparing myself for disappointments at the same time holding out for hope. I suppose that's just the part of me that is ruled by Faith and I just have to let go a bit more and not to clinch on so tightly to the negative as a way of protecting myself.

I'm very defensive and I know this. My mother points out that it's not a very attractive quality in a woman but I don't know how else to explain that I don't know who will take care of me if I don't do it myself and frankly, I cannot rely on her protection forever.

All my logic could not explain why I have this hankering and this insatiable need that calls me to the exact same place. I don't know what my obsession with going to England is, but all the time it just comes back down to me wanting to go there. I mean, on the surface there's nothing particularly interesting about it asides from the fact that it's different. I wish I could put it down to something shallow like me being an immature kid who hasn't gotten her adventuring out of the way yet but I think people who know me will tell you that I'm hardly the most daring individual. I wish I could say, I just like the accents, the aesthetics and the candy but that's not really it. Maybe it's because I was so close and it was taken away from me. Part of this whole meandering through everyday is about finding where you fit. I don't know if that is where I fit. It could be possible that I'll go there one day and be terribly disappointed, but I suppose I'll never know until I'm there.

I know what this is though. I'm risk-adverse. I need reassurance that it's all going to be okay. At this point, I'm still waiting for my life to begin. My desperation in my prayers to God to just show me the way. Tell me what it is I'm meant for because I can't live with this uncertainty. It's shameful to be confronted with my lack of faith.

I don't know what people think of me. I over-think it sometimes to the point where I don't care and just try my best to be the best I can for them, which I know falls short. It's somewhat self-centered, I'm sure, to think so little of their opinion when I should. Is it shocking to people to learn that I don't find myself particularly smart, pretty, funny or talented? Or that I'm one ball of anxiety, an aspect of my character I have to reconcile with knowing that God loves me despite all my flaws.

Simply: I'm reassured that He has a great plan for me. I'm worried that I'm simply not bright enough to figure out what it is or to walk on the right path He has set for me.

I'm sorry. This entry just made no sense whatsoever.

I admit to being a poor decision maker. It seems that whenever called upon to decide something I never know what the right answer ought to be, even if there really is no such thing as a right answer. Things are so subjective nowadays so really, what's the fear? I think anybody who has hung out with me will realize how indecisive I am, it really is a poor quality.

The thing is, I want to make people happy and it's hard to sort of just go "This is what we're doing and you can deal with it". I don't like that. I've had it done to me and I'm not one that enjoys conflict or to make a fuss over things especially when it's over such trivial matters. But of course being so wishy-washy is hardly an asset either.

I've had round 2 of interviews for the job in the community partnerships department this week and I've actually come away from it hoping that I don't get it. I think a lot of it is fear of the new challenge, being a fish out of water and the fact that it is such a high profile job. High-tailing it over to the mothership means it's a bigger company and the expectations are higher, not that they weren't high at Ricoh or with the Marlies. And the thing is, I love the Marlies and Ricoh. I can't stand to be apart from them and the very thought of it makes me sad. Of course, I'm saying this without even having gotten the job yet. I don't want to do my current job forever. I'm going to go mad soon without anything stimulating to do but I don't want to Leave and I know there won't be anything opening soon.

In any case, I know that I'll get over it and the right decision will be made as long as I trust God. I'm leaving it up to Him for what will happen because He knows best. And I don't believe for a second that makes me naive. I find comfort in it and I do believe every little decision and step in my life should go toward the ultimate goal and whatever He has envisioned for me. It's hard sometimes, with all the distractions in life, with all the signs pulling you in all different directions, which is why I appreciate the quiet moments in life when you can just...listen.

I'm becoming involved with 66Seventy. I can't wait to get it off the ground. It's going to be pretty special.

PS. Ottawa was fun and I was very sad to leave. The city is gorgeous with all the trees and historic buildings. We were on the same level as the canal, driving by into town and it was absolutely stunning. It was also fun hanging out with my girls, just relaxing and catching up.

Other than that, I finished reading "Birdsong" yesterday and it is a beautiful book. The ending left me with wanting a more complete answer but still I found it very satisfactory on the whole.

Oh glorious day, I am updating!

I shouldn't say that I haven't been because there's been nothing going on. Work wise we're a bit slow, but it's the off-season and I'm running out of ways to keep myself busy. After all, there's only so much I can most on the Marlies' Facebook and Twitter page before I start annoying people.

Surprisingly, I've actually been doing things with my life. I've been to the science centre, the ROM, the Toronto Zoo and had a very delicious pie day and various catchings ups with friends and people I don't see enough of since I last updated. I've of course, just been way too lazy to update. There just aren't enough hours in the day. Obviously, I can' update at work and I don't get home until 6:30 in the evening, which usually consists of being way too tired to be bothered to do anything.

I have been catching up quite a bit on the reading. I've been telling myself that I usually get around 7 hours of sleep a night so there really is no reason for me to be sleeping on the train and that is usually the perfect time to get in a chapter or two. The Barclay girls are reading "Birdsong" by Sebastian Faulks this month, which was my choice and I have to say I've been enjoying it quite a bit so far. I'm also reading "Jane Eyre" at the same time. I figured since I've seen the movie I might as well read the book as well. Can you believe I've never actually read it before? I can't.

There's not much to be said really. I've been having fun just living life, which as silly as it sounds, I don't think I did much of at school, I was so worried about the next deadline that was going to eat my face. Now at least I seem to have found a way to balance work and having a social life.

And I heart my friends. They are made up of some sort of ridiculous substance that makes them absolutely perfect and able to tolerate my equal amounts of ridiculous-ness.

My relative freedom comes to an end tomorrow though as my mother returns from Taiwan and my father soon after. We shall be going on vacation somewhere. Anybody have any suggestions? For some reason, I have a hankering to go somewhere in the south. Perhaps Nashville? Or maybe I just want to go so I can buy a nice pair of cowboy boots.

This is just both too bizarre and cute not to post.